The Importance of Being Assertiveness, Saying NO

There are many people who find it difficult to say NO when asked to do something. Somewhere along the line they have become conditioned to do what others ask, for any number of reasons. Are you one of these people? Do you find it hard to refuse anyone?

I know that we all often have to say YES and do things that do not make us happy in certain situations, business, school, at home, with parents, but what about the person who can never say NO?

It would appear that there are certain souls groups that have come in with karma to serve and rarely assert themselves. This usually involves minorities and often women. It is about one group of people saying they have control over the other and claiming it while the others 'cave-in' to their demands which is easier than saying NO, or what they think they are supposed to do.

Some people will never say NO and move through life with some sort of clear understanding that they are here to serve and that in some way they are helping others and raising their spiritual level by doing so. If they remain in balance, then so be it.

For most people, whose souls may have been abused in childhood, this is simply not the case. Childhood leaves many people scarred from their lifetime placing them in depression or causing any number of mental illnesses as the soul has lost its ability to create balance. It not only cannot find balance, it does not know what will create this balance.

As always this goes back to self-esteem issues and respect for oneself as well as respect for the other person in the interaction. Assertiveness is a way to ask for what a person needs, state difficult feelings such as anger and disappointment and negotiate well with others.

Everything reverts back to the FEAR FACTOR, which often goes to rejection. Part of our journey here is to find people who will love, respect, and most of all understand who we are and what we are about.

Someone who is strong, knows what their limitations are, will evaluate what is asked of them and know if they should say YES or NO.

If you say YES when you know you should say NO, must be sure that you are not building resentment towards the person who is placing you in a position that puts you out of balance. Always remember that the object of our experience here is too maintain balance and seek your spiritual path. We know that reality, the program, will always challenge that, and you will have choices.

Being around dysfunctional people, generally means they are needy people, game is to experience lower level frequency emotions, who will draw on your energies, place you in GUILT MODE if you say NO, until one day you say NO MORE. HEAD GAMES

If you can't say NO and you build this resentment, it will result in you being out of balance emotionally and spiritual which leads to illness of the spiritual, emotional, mental, physical body--->serious accidents. A balanced soul will not involve with such lower frequency experiences and will proceed on in a healthy way most of the time.

With assertiveness there are people you have karma with which is the true test of saying "NO or I don't want to, It is upsetting to me." Most of the time, you 'give in' to these people and react with tension as soon as they make contact with you.

If you say NO to someone and they cannot respect your decision, but you give in, as if the two of you are in an endless dance, what is that all about? seeking their attention? other?

But what about the people you do not have contact with who are disturbing you? Can you say NO, not in a nasty way, but in a way they will understand that what they ask is upsetting to you? If they don't care, or refuse to understand or respect you, then why are you saying YES to them?

This is not about being a person with an 'attitude' who always causes conflict. Look at the frequency level of the ATTITUDE person - feel the anger and resentment and pain from their own experiences.

When saying NO to someone who is used to you being 'easy', be sure they know you are serious. Do not say NO with anger as if finally 'taking a stand' on something. Simply say NO. Be sure they understand that you are serious and your mind will not be changed at a future time. They may think that you are simply tired, in a bad mood, feeling out-of-sorts at that moment and will reconsider and say YES to something that puts you out of balance.

You are behaving NON-ASSERTIVELY when you fail to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs or express them in such an apologetic, diffident, or self-effacing way that others can easily disregard them.

You are behaving ASSERTIVELY when you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest ways that do not violate another person's integrity. Assertion involves respect both for your own needs and feelings and for those of the other person.

There are those around all of us who are strongly assertive and intimidate us. We all meet these types of people. If they are creating anxiety, fear, pain, low self-esteem and lower emotions within you, you must find a way to avoid them.

What's that you say? You can't avoid them as they are part of your daily life? Now how did you get into this situation, born into it? - placed into it? decided there is no means of escape from them? feel you came here for these lessons and to serve? have turned to spiritual and metaphysical websites for answers? Nothing will change until you find that part of you that is ready and willing to move on, or you will spend the rest of your life in the same space, searching. Yes, I know most of us are searchers and questors and so forth, but do you want to move through the emotional aspect quickly now or dwell in lower emotions forever? You can change most things, if you try.

How do you feel about asserting yourself? Take a look at who you are. We are in a time of synchronicity and manifestation. Do you see the synchronicities in your daily life? Does your emotionally body block the 'good stuff' from happening? Reading about what to do - won't change anything. You have to live it baby! This is an experiment, a classroom, if you will, and you need to become a teacher and healer, not a victim. Trust that your soul, the universe, will allow you the opportunity to find a stronger YOU. I know you will sit there and agree with me, then continue on without change. Change involves lots and lots of work as it involves changes of patterning - and souls are soooo tired and confused.

Generally speaking if you are an 'easy touch' you will continue to be, even after reading this article and looking at the way you go through your life. But now you will look at yourself with greater understanding of who you are and what patterns work and do not work for you.

If you do become assertive please do not allow others to tell you that you have become selfish and self serving. Just know that you have finished playing the negative controlling 3D games. Do not wait to be an older person to do this. By then you will have so many physical things wrong with you and will have suffered so much in this life and body.

When asserting yourself:

1. Look the person in the eye, looking away or dropping your gaze about 50% of the time.

You voice should be well modulated. Work to make your voice go down in tone at the end of the sentence so you don't sound as if a helium balloon is attached to the end of your sentences.

Stand up straight with your body at an angle to the other (allowing each to leave). Stay on an even level. If the other is standing, invite them to sit with you. If the other sits, you sit also.

Comfortable personal space is about arm's length from the other. Don't stand too close, it really is annoying.

Your face should reflect what you are saying. If you are angry, you should look serious. This is not the time to smile.

Body language, Putting hands on hips, shaking fingers at the other, getting in someone's face, having contempt in one's voice, all are aggressive gestures. Also watch for closed body positions, such as crossing your arms or leaning away from the other person.

To discuss a personal issue, consider meeting in a restaurant, to discuss an office conflict, consider meeting in a conference room or library. Meeting in your space gives you more power over the outcome. If you feel one down in the situation, you gain power by meeting in your own space. Meeting in the other's space gives him/her the advantage and the power over what the outcome of the discussion may be.

Helpful Hints for Assertive Behavior: Saying NO to Unfair Requests and Demands

1. Be sure where you stand first, i.e., whether you want to say yes or no. If not sure, say you need time to think it over and let the person know when you will have an answer.

2. Ask for clarification if you don't fully understand what is requested of you.

3. Be as brief as possible, i.e., give a legitimate reason for your refusal, but avoid long elaborate explanations and justifications. Such excuses may be used by the other person to argue you out of your "no."

4. Actually use the word "no" when declining. "No" has more power and is less ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so..."

5. Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head when saying "no." Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are attempting to decline or refuse.

6. Use the words "I won't" or "I've decided not to", rather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This emphasizes that you have made a choice.

7. You may have to decline several times before the person hears you. It is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time, just repeat your "no" and your original reason for declining.

8. If the person persists even after you have repeated your NO several times, use silence (easier on the phone), or change the topic of conversation. You also have a right to end the conversation.

9. You may want to acknowledge any feelings another has about your refusal, "I know this will be a disappointment to you, but I won't be able to..." However, you don't need to say "I'm sorry" in most situations to apologize for your refusal. Saying "I'm sorry" tends to compromise your basic right to say NO.

10. Avoid feeling guilty -- it is not up to you to solve others' problems or make them happy.

11. If you do not want to agree to the person's original request, but still desire to help her/him out, offer a compromise: "I will not be able to baby sit the whole afternoon, but I can sit for two hours."

12. You can change your mind and say NO to a request you originally said YES to. All the above applies to your change of mind.

Take The Assertiveness Test

On the 'flip side' ... Don't be a person who never says YES and is considered argumentative and negative by others, seeing you as having 'attitude'. That too is about control and anger...but that is another column.

The bottom line is, if you respect yourself, others will respect you. It is that simple. If you lose a relationship in finding yourself, so be it, there are better relationships to be had.